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The Cult of Ryan Gosling and Other Pet Peeves

For some people, pet peeves are just slight annoyances. For example, if your pet peeve was pen clicking, you might say something like “Is Donna really going to keep clicking that pen? I wish she would stop. It’s rather annoying.” Other people, however, might take their pet peeves to the next extreme, and say something more along the lines of “Donna, I will come over there and perform a tracheotomy on you with that pen if you don’t quit right now.” I don’t generally  like to think of myself as an angry person, but I get annoyed easily and I like to complain a lot.  So here’s a list of my top five pet peeves at the moment:

1. Using “porn” as a suffix

Screen Shot 2014-09-07 at 3.51.59 PM

These cupcakes have been corrupted.

You know the term “food porn”? Popularized by blogs and social media, it’s apparently used to describe pictures of tasty looking food, or “eye-candy.” But when I see brownie covered Oreos dipped in chocolate ganache, the first thing that comes to my mind is definitely not sexual intercourse. Unless you have some sort of butter cake fetish (which I guess is actually kind of reasonable), desserts should not be described in a sexual way. Unfortunately, the phrase “food porn” has inspired the world to append this suffix onto other non-pornographic images and objects, such as car porn, architecture porn, hair porn, gadget porn, vegan porn…you get the picture. But where do we draw the line, people? Cupcake porn, unicorn porn, rainbow porn, glitter porn?

2. Restaurants that are stingy with their condiments

What is that? Is that sour cream? I can't even see it.

What is that? Is that sour cream? I can’t even see it.

I’m a self confessed sour cream addict. I can eat it right out of the container with a spoon. So when I go to a Mexican restaurant and order chicken enchiladas with a side of sour cream, I fully expect that side of sour cream to be more than the size of my thumb nail. I think it’s a fairly reasonable request by most standards, but apparently it’s a far fetched concept in the restaurant world.

I don’t want to pick solely on Mexican restaurants for being condiment-witholding because they aren’t even the major culprits here. Fast food places are the evil brains behind the condiment conspiracy. Panda Express doesn’t even hand out soy sauce unless you ask for it. Many McDonalds are now charging for extra ketchup. Listen, I get the whole economic reasoning behind it, but I’m still allowed to get a little peeved when my sour cream supply is less than adequate. I don’t want a dollop of Daisy, I want a freaking mountain.

3. People who scrape their teeth with their silverware

Even just looking at this picture makes me want to scream.

Everyone knows at least one person who does this. (Or maybe you do this, in which case what is wrong with you?) Every time the fork leaves their mouth, they ever so slightly graze the metal with their teeth, creating quite possibly the worst, most blood curdling sound in the world, akin to nails on a chalkboard. It just makes me plain angry. I have to sometimes give people that “bitch, I might stab you with that fork” look when they do it in front of me. In fact, I can’t be held responsible for my actions if you behave so irrationally with your silverware.

4. Strangers who tell me to smile

I have chronic resting bitch face. It’s a real thing. No matter how happy or excited I may be, my face permanently looks like I want to cut you. I try to use this to my advantage when I’m out in public. I like to think it sends out warning signals for people to give me a wide berth and not talk or make eye contact with me. Instead, it usually has the opposite effect. It apparently invites people to come up and tell me to “smile.”

First off, don’t tell me to smile unless I’m on Candid Camera. Secondly, you don’t know me or my life. Maybe I have a reason to be sad. Maybe I accidentally put my favorite Forever 21 shirt in the dryer. Maybe my life is falling apart and I have no friends. Telling me to smile is not going to fix that. And thirdly, you’re a stranger. Do you genuinely care about my happiness? If you did, you would probably buy me The Sims 4 or a chocolate cream Frappuccino. That would make me smile.

5. The cult of Ryan Gosling

Tell me one good use for these Ryan Gos-leggings.

I’m going to ask a question everyone is afraid to ask: what’s so great about Ryan Gosling? Before you all shudder and yell “blasphemy!,” hear me out. Sure, he’s a decent looking guy, he’s been in a couple of good movies, and he appears to be classy, but what is so special about him? Why do women worship him like he’s the king of their uteri? Maybe it’s because I don’t get the appeal of The Notebook, or because I find his chin disturbing, or maybe it’s because I’M NOT DELUSIONAL.

Anyway, my teenage sister is particularly brain-washed by the cult of Ryan Gosling. When I ask her what specifically is so amazing and incredible about him, she always replies with something along the lines of “he’s so hot!” or “haven’t you seen The Notebook?!” Again, DELUSIONAL. I’m beginning to think this guy secretes some sort of pheramone that I’m immune to or something.

My exasperation with the whole Gosling situation is magnified by the lame “Hey girl” memes that perforate literally every social media site. That’s not to mention the endless Ryan Gosling merchandise that includes, but is not limited to: leggings (super fashionable, ladies), chair cushions & body pillows (I get where girls are going with this. Please stop), coloring books (he’s a white guy), and prayer candles.

I truly wish I understood the Cult of Ryan Gosling, but for now I’m blissfuly clueless.

Images via here, here, here, here.

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